This Summer we hosted a 15 year old German student. On our cruise in March the German family asked us if we would be willing to host their son. I went into this with really high hopes. I thought he would be so excited to do the things we had planned for him. I had explained before hand that we aren't that exciting. The dad assured us that he didn't expect us to "entertain" his son. He would be here to get better at English.
I should have gotten an idea of what was to come when in an email before his arrival he told us he would like to visit Bryce Canyon, The Grand Canyon, and other National Parks that are more than a day trip away.
He got here the week before 4th of July. Rick took him and his dad, along with two of our kids, to Arches National Park. They seemed to really enjoy that. That night we took them to a local steak house for dinner. The next day was Sunday. Sundays at our house are very quiet. We read, watch NASCAR, nap, etc. The dad seemed a little put out, even though I had explained our routine to him beforehand.
That next week was terrible. Niklas didn't understand English as well as his parents thought. We thought we were communicating with him, but found out later we weren't. I would get frustrated when I asked him questions and he nodded that he understood, only to have him seem to ignore me. He also made rude comments about our food. He wouldn't eat at the family picnic. He said hamburgers make you fat. I took that as him suggesting that our family was fat.
4th of July weekend came and we had a lot of activities planned. Saturday we went to the Freedom Festival in Provo. It was very exciting. The kids had earned some money helping me get ready for Niklas' visit and found some great souvenirs. Ricky got a steel sword. Niklas was very concerned. He asked Rick if he was getting it, and Rick explained no, that Ricky was. Niklas told us that in Germany you aren't allowed to purchase blades. Then we went on through out the Festival. He didn't seem interested. We went to Colonial Days and participated in some pioneer activities and he refused to participate. It was very uncomfortable. We felt like we needed to move on. When it was time to have lunch we all found our favorite vendor and got what we wanted. He didn't like any of the choices. Nothing we seemed to do was up to what he expected or wanted. It didn't get better.
We had tickets for the Stadium of Fire and went early as usual to participate in the Pre concert activities. Shelby won the limbo contest and won 4 tickets to Seven Peaks water park. Ricky won a lunch box. And Rick won tickets to next years Stadium of Fire. Niklas just stood on the side with his arms folded and refused again to participate. We got into the stadium about 45 minutes before it started. We found our seats and Niklas seemed a little bugged. He pointed to the seats below us and asked "why are we sitting down there. Those are much better seats". I told him that those seats cost more money and these are the ones we purchased. He didn't want to get anything from the concessions with the kids either. During the show he asked a number of times "when is this over". I think his lack of English was starting to make things really difficult.
At home he doesn't like to do anything with the girls. When I am not around he teases them. They don't like it at all. If I don't have an activity planned he goes to his room and closes the door and plays video games or goes online to "check email".
We have gone to the pool a number of times, and he enjoys that. We also took him to Timp Cave. I wasn't sure if he enjoyed that or not. But we did. He took some pictures, but he seemed irritated that we weren't walking up the mountain as fast as him and we kept asking him to wait for us. He told us his 80 year old grandma was in great shape and hiked all the time.
This week was a little better. He finally (out of starvation) had a cheeseburger. He said "Hamburgers here are better than in Germany". That was the first time he had anything nice to say about things here. He seems to always want to tell us that things in Germany are better.
He has taught Ricky some German. Ricky likes to ask you your name in German now.
We have 2 more weeks left. We are going to Park City today to take him shopping. The Mall here isn't good enough. I took him there this week and he didn't want to go into any of the shops because he wants "Abercrombie and Fitch" and other name brand stores.
We are planning a trip to Bryce Canyon this weekend.
Calgon!!!!!!!
I do feel for you, and it's probably no consolation that Nikla's behaviour may be constituted as normal; and perhaps all you will see of the first part of someone's integration into a new culture and society.
ReplyDeleteHave you ever read "Third Culture Kids" by Pollock/Reken - it's about aculturisation.
I know immigrants who after years still come off as indignant about the country they have chosen to live in - sigh.
Please be assured the way he is acting is not about you, or the experience you are offering Nikla.
It's a bit of a conundrum, that the purpose of his visit is to explore contrasts and yet he doesn't have the skills to do so.
He needs to find the things that are similar in the cultures before he can feel comfortable exploring the differences - that's why you hear so much of the "better vs worse" comparisons. This really can not be done in such a short space of time.
Have you thought about turning it around and seeing what Nikla can tell/ teach you?
What about hiring a dvd that can be heard in German with the sub-titles in English?
Can he teach your children card or ball games?
Can he show you his favourite websites / bands?
Can your family sample German foods together?
Can he tell you about what he has been learning in school?
Can he share with you his favourite hobby?
[Past: exchange student /volunteer host mum to 4 & exchange programme co-ordinator]
Thanks for your post. I will look for the book you mentioned. We have gotten board games out to play. He likes that. But it isn't something my kids want to do all day.
ReplyDeleteIt is hard when someone comes to your house and wants you to change for them, when the purpose of their visit was for them to experience what you do and your culture and language.
We asked him what foods he liked and he said "I eat what you do". But then again he won't eat our food. So for the next two weeks we will plug along and try and make his American visit a good one for him.
We just wish he would have come with a more open mind and willingness to participate. I have done a lot of traveling and when I went to another country I didn't insist they do things my way.
Homesickness is a hard thing. But his visit wasn't a long one. 5 weeks. I expected him to have a different attitude I guess.
It's a learning experience for both parties I suppose. But I won't be hosting again though. Not if this is normal for them to be so ungrateful for the things and time and energy and money you put out as a host.
Thanks for your input!
Volunteer hosting with an organisation like Rotary may help you if there is a 'next time'.
ReplyDeleteYou have the support of the members who usually appoint a councilor that liaises directly with and is responsible for the student (and the family's wellbeing) the whole time.
A student who is in your country for a year would be hosted by 3-4 various families. If you could be the 2nd, 3rd or 4th host family then you get past the student having culture shock etc.
Rotary also run a series of 2-3 seminars / camps for exchange students that do go a long way toward preparing them for their year-long experiences.
I have the mantra "It's not right, it's not wrong, it's just different" ringing in my ears still, that came from one of those weekends.
Otherwise I understand that schools who solicit foreign paying students also appoint a person responsible for their students whilst attending their school.
Also note that there tend to be certain nationalities regardless of the program, that are more of a handful than others. German is usually not one of them though.
When it 'works' it is a fabulous experience for your children and one they will remember. If we had a spare room now I'd be doing it again ;)
Blessings